The most common myth about the anus is that it’s very dirty. We are all taught since our early years that the anus is a threat to our health and that any contact with it must be followed by a thorough washing. No wonder that many people reject anal sex without bothering to understand it. They are convinced that the anus is something irrevocably dirty that could never be involved in sex. However, a simple look around is enough to convince anybody that we’re living in an age where hygiene is better than ever. Anybody who follows the normal hygiene rules ought to have a clean anus. And one can always resort to an enema for extra cleaning.

“Anal sex causes hemorrhoids!” Have you ever heard this? Many women believe that anal sex can cause hemorrhoids or worse: fissures and tears in the anus. This goes hand in hand with the myth that anal sex can cause incontinence. While it’s true that nobody wants to spend the rest of his or her life wearing adult dippers, it must be said that anal sex cannot cause incontinence. It doesn’t matter to your body whether things are going in or out of the anus. Anal incontinence is caused either by severe damage to the muscles and nerves or by the brain’s failure to control the body. None of this happens because of anal sex.

Another huge objection to anal sex stems from the idea that it is a perverted act, an unnatural concept that has no place in the lives of decent people. Frankly, anal sex has been around for centuries and no, it wasn’t just something the Greeks did. This century does not have a monopoly on imagination and experimenting with one’s body and people from other cultures and other times had discovered long ago that anal sex is fine. The bottom line is that it’s your body and your decision. If you think anal sex is unnatural, then don’t do it.

“Anal sex is painful!” Well, the anus is tight, which means that anal sex is bound to hurt a lot each and every time, right? Wrong. First, everyone who wants to try anal sex should educate him or herself about all its aspects in order to avoid pain. Lubrication and condoms should take care of the skin-on-skin friction, while patience will allow the anus to relax enough to receive a penis. Even a big one. More often than not, if anal sex hurts, you are doing something wrong. Probably not using enough lubrication or pushing too fast.

And finally, the last common objection is the idea that anal sex is something only homosexuals do. This is simply ridiculous. Across the centuries men and women have enjoyed anal sex without the slightest hint of homosexuality. Not to mention that many homosexuals simply refuse to have anal sex because they don’t like it. There is no link between anal stimulation and homosexuality. Ultimately, it all comes down to choices. If you don’t want to engage in anal sex, then don’t. Just be sure you’re making an informed decision instead of resorting to a knee-jerk reaction to something you don’t understand.

EXTENDED FOREPLAY
This kind of “lovemaking” then becomes like an extended foreplay both know will end in lovemaking some time in the near future.

If you run your intimate life in this way, lovemaking takes on a rather different level of importance. It is now no longer the be-all and end-all of the intimacies you share. This means that you will cope better with the ups and downs of your sexual appetites and, mutually attuned, detect sexual interest early and know how to act on it. Then, when you do have intercourse it is much more meaningful because it takes place against a background of loving interest in one another.

Not only are inequalities and variations in sexual appetite better coped with, but the occasional failure, rather than becoming a disaster, is kept in perspective because it is understood that the relationship has far more going for it than whether or not genital contact is always good.

SECRETS

Lovers of longstanding sometimes find they communicate without words; they seem to know what the other is thinking and feeling. Shared secrets help to make this a secret society. The woman may whisper to her man while they are on the dance floor, that she’s wearing his favourite underwear, for example. “Accidentally” touching your lover’s body in a certain place or in a particular way can have a devastating effect. Some couples can achieve the same impact with just a look.

Many couples have a private language, that they use even in front of others, as they tell one another about their feelings, arousal, or their anticipation of erotic things to come, which all add to the excitement. All of this makes such a couple much less likely to suffer from jealousies because they flirt with each other and look to one another to answer their needs. They do not then see members of the opposite sex as threatening because they know that what they have between them is vastly more valuable than anything a quickie relationship could offer.

If all of this seems nothing more than a fantasy to you, there are ways of improving things: Start of by going back to courtship behaviour; many couples have never really courted – taking every opportunity to show love in different ways. Give one another presents for no reason. They don’t have to be expensive; it’s the thought that matters; kiss more; telephone to say, “I love you.” Leave love-notes around where they’ll be found by your lover; go out with one another as if it were your first date as teenagers. Really try to please one another as if you were just starting to date. You may be surprised how much you’ve taken each other for granted over the years and how stale the caring and love for one another has become.

It is helpful in any loving relationship to remember to bear in mind the airline motto “we never forget you have a choice”. There are many couples that let things slip, perhaps year after year, becoming more and more lazy and thoughtless only to find when they go back to courtship they’ve all but forgotten how to deal with one another in this way. As with so many things in life practice makes perfect and over the weeks you’ll become more proficient at courting one another. With luck and effort, the combination of making courtship a priority, and your increased experiences of life, will reap you a far richer harvest than would have been possible when you were first going out at the beginning of your relationship.

SENSUAL HOLIDAYS

One of the most fruitful ways of making all this happen is to organise sensual holidays. A sensual holiday can last from an evening to a weekend. The main purpose is to get away from your normal day-to-day routine both in and out of bed and to really court one another.

You can prepare for the holiday beforehand to get best out of it. Ideas include: the uses of herbal aphrodisiacs such as ginseng, yohimbe; breakfast in bed; one sensual massage; lovemaking in an unusual place; a novel type or position of lovemaking you know your lover would like; or an evening devoted to your lover’s every whim. Each couple will have their own ideas as to what suits them, or they’ve always wanted to do.

Send your tokens some days before the holiday so your lover has time to prepare (if necessary). This also helps build up excited anticipation for the holiday. Remember, none of this need be expensive – the whole thing can take place at home with perhaps a special dinner or outing just for the two of you. Whatever you do and wherever you do it, the main thing is to give yourselves over to one another totally and to aim to do things that please and delight. Talk about it afterwards to see what worked well and what didn’t. It’s best to take it in turns to arrange such holidays so each lover has the opportunity to call the shots and decide what they want.

MASSAGE

Sensual massage is a wonderful way of lovemaking without intercourse. This form of loving contact is often underestimated. There are few things a couple can experience together that allow them to be more in touch with themselves, and to communicate at every level than a loving, sensual massage. Whether or not this becomes an erotic massage is up to you, but even if one does lead to the other you still don’t have to end up having intercourse – you could stimulate each other or simply cuddle and kiss.

FULL BODY ALERT

Sight, sound, smell and taste are powerful aphrodisiacs – exploit them to the full. Right from babyhood most of us use fewer of our senses than we might. In learning to please one another without intercourse it can be helpful to look at how each sense could be better used to serve lovemaking. Here are some ideas:

THE POWER OF AROMA

Use perfume, perfumed soaps, scented oils for massage, burning joss sticks, flowers, room perfumes, and anything else (not all at once!) that helps enhance your sense of smell. Remember, if you perfume yourself too heavily you’ll mask the natural odours that are such a turn-on for your lover. Make sure you are clean and washed but not so squeaky clean your natural smells are obliterated. Learn, perhaps for the first time, how each part of your lover’s body smells.

SOUND EFFECTS

The lover’s sound can be delicious as you make love. The little groans, sighs and moans that say “I love you” are all valuable cues to how things are going. With the lights off, learn to recognise how your lover’s sexual arousal cycle is progressing just by sound alone. Take a delight in the sounds of your bodies reacting with each other. Use beautiful music to accompany lovemaking.

ACQUIRING THE TASTE

Get to know how your lover tastes by licking all over. Taste mouths, faces, sweat, genital secretions and so on. This is intimately tied up with the smelling exercise since taste and smell are so closely interlinked. Experiment with all kinds of tactile sensations using not only your bodies, but also foods, clothing, vibrators and so on.